Linguistics of Love

Usually E has been the creative talent behind our posts. His brain seems to have a natural gift for taking our lives and spinning a well-crafted, humorous tale.

This semester has been both interesting and challenging, from a parenting perspective. Both E and I are working as full-time faculty at our respective universities. E finds himself blessed with a more flexible schedule. Although flexible, we find ourselves becoming that busy family that arrives home, just in time to prepare dinner, do homework, find a few moments for play, and get the kids ready for bed.

Of course, when three children (and two assertive kittens) all clammor simultaneously for Mommy's attention, someone usually ends up on the short end of the stick. So, the challenge is finding how to better balance the time spent with C, M, and Lil E. It isn't easy. Mommy guilt sets in. Each child would like completely undivided attention. No matter how much one stays with each child, it never seems enough - their emotional tanks are running on fumes and the time spent barely keeps the engine from locking down.

I feel as though my children's "check engine lights" are glowing more brightly than halogen headlights on a dark, country road...

I've been thinking how to more equitably balance the emotional needs of my children. This season, our Sunday School class at church has been discussing The Five Love Languages of Children. Over the past few weeks, I've begun to more clearly see that each of our children have very different primary love languages (...now, I know technically the book says that primarly languages don't fully develop until school-age; however, the girls seem to transmit their languages LOUD and clear).

C's love languages are: quality time (primary) and gifts (secondary)
M's love language is most likely: service
Lil E's love language is most likely:  physical touch

C craves Mommy time. He wants me to play Wii, read books, build Legos (for hours on end, if it were up to him), and sit with him at night.

M wants to be a helper - she wants to do things for me, to have me read her new Children's bible (particularly focusing on the story of Adam and Eve - to be more exact, the Snake...asking why the snake wanted the man and woman to eat the food, why the snake could talk, why it was bad for them to eat the fruit, and more about the snake, the snake, and the snake...), do whatever she can to show that she's a big girl (oh, and watch the iPad, of course), and have me sit with her at night.

Notice any similarities? Both C and M want Mommy to sit with them at night...at the same time. E does what he can. He and I alternate sitting with our children (ex:  Mommy sits with C. Daddy sits with M - then we switch). The challenge comes when I leave one child's room to spend time with the other. Leaving (particularly with M) usually triggers a saddened emotional response (i.e., crying and protesting "Don't go, Mommy. Stay with me!").There have been occasions when I leave M's room and enter C's room, there have been times C looks at me, downtrodden, and says "Go ahead Mommy, go stay with M." - Breaks my heart that, at times like this (no matter the decision I make), one child will always have to lose (so, I try and make the "wins" and "losses" equitable, as much as possible).

I've discovered that I am "fluent" in my primary love languate, Physical Touch. Since Lil E and I "speak" the same language, It's been very easy to connect with her needs. She loves running to me when I arrive home, saying "MOMMY" with jubilance, and embracing me with the warmest hugs a parent could ever hope to receive. She loves having her "milkies" in the morning and at night, just before bedtime. Apparently, two people who speak the same "native language" find it easier to share and receive love.

E's primary love language is quality time - something I know isn't easy for us to achieve as well as we'd like. But, I will say I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have the most incredible, loving, patient, and understanding husband in the world. He's taken on a greater percentage of parenting duties, responsibilities, and household tasks...being with the children during late afternoons and evenings, when I'm swamped with work-related grading, class prep, etc. (and giving me the opportunity to participate on Wednesday nights with choir practices - a much needed way to enrich my soul and fill my heart with the jubilance of song). I suppose that's why the kids are clammering for so much Mommy time. Their tanks are being filled with enough Daddy Love.

One thing to keep in mind - just because one language is primary, as parents, each of us need to be multilingual - that is to say, we need to engage in activities that fill each part of our children's (and loved ones) emotional tank. These needs (physical touch, words of affirmation, service, gifts, and quality time) - suppose you could call them the 5 cylinders to keep your inner vehicle running - need to be both expressed and received. So, the question remains: how can we, as parents, find the necessary balance to meet our children's needs?

For me, it's time to embark on a new journey - to balance the off-center, centrifugal forces I feel within my parenting heart, mind, and soul. What can I do, as a mom, to be a better parent? To be multilingual?

I don't have answers - at least none that are "easy breezy, lemon peezy" fixes. But, what I can do is find those moments and connections. To keep my eyes and ears open. To make a conscious choice to be more engaged (even if it means I'm up after midnight blogging!)...To work on continued patience.

I love my husband and my children. They are the gravitational center of my world. I can only hope to do what I can to give them the love and support they need, to reach the pinnacle where I can more effectively fill their emotional tanks with "high octane" multilingual love, and keep their engines running at top performance.

Thanks for digressing with me - into a bit of the darker side of parenting. I now hand the keyboard back to my husband for your regularly scheduled Heberlig programming...